I hate what you have made me in to… Sure at first it was fine and I regained my sense of how the world works with my new body. Now… oh. Now because of you I have to ask for help, ask for people to see me, plan far in advance on the smallest of things, and miss out on some pretty major events.
Because of you just getting out of bed is rough… getting in to my chair is a breeze, but because of you.. I now can no longer reach down to pick my legs up to place them on the foot plate… this is one of the many small tasks that are now 20 minute projects that leave me tired, often bed ridden, and searching for a break from my situation.
Because of you it’s hard some days to drop off or even pick up my daughter from school due to my lack of sleeping properly brought on by all the meds I take and the cathing schedule I now have to keep.
Because of you I am constantly thinking 3 to 5 steps ahead, seeing the dangers of trying something new, but testing it anyway.
Because of you these inner thoughts of self doubt swarm and fester in my head, shouting constantly the reminder of all the things I’m lacking.
Because of you a low pain lives in my back and a never ending tingling from my thy to my foot awakes me in the middle of the night.
Because of you my legs are no longer the only thing numb, I feel pieces of my heart going dark. No self pity, no – I’m not depressed. You will not allow me time for that with your constant whining for attention… “Turn on your side, now switch, I swear I will start a pressure sore if you don’t make me comfy!” No, I just realized that I’m all alone with you… you… you are the reason I’m in this mess and also the only one that truly understands me. You get my limitations and you tell me clearly when to rest easy and not go full steam ahead. I actually need that to stay focused, so one point for you.
No, I’m not getting soft on you… it still hurts that you have taken church away from me.. I can’t even stay in my chair long enough to go to church or serve in my church like before…
Because of you I don’t feel like talking to the friends I have… why… because I can’t see them and unfortunately it’s always about YOU… premadonna… You dominate every discussion, every decision, every interruption when my alarm goes off telling me to cath in the middle of a convo. You really struck a nerve with me, pun intended. Worst of it all, I don’t see your remorse. From the moment you came in to my life, you have left me naked and ashamed. Surgery after surgery, doctor appointment after doctor appointment, therapy session after therapy session… you leave me with one more hurdle to cross. Literally — I can’t even look at YOU, you hide behind me and can’t give me so much as a sorry…
BUT you have not beat me. You just made my life a mess, one that I will fix. One that I will turn over to my Father again and ask HIM to guide me through. See you never counted on that, you thought it was a back up plan that I would never look up long enough to see. You have underestimated me. “We” are already ahead and there is nothing you can do about it. I hope you can feel HIM working already. If you can’t, that’s too bad… Because I can…
Yes, I was afraid of you and what you have made me. Now, oh buddy- Now… I know I will overcome your restraints one day. I invite the bad days, those days show me just how weak you really are. If that is all you have, I have weathered them thus far… I’ve allowed you to hold me long enough, control my actions long enough, dictate my thoughts long enough… so this is good bye, good bye to being submissive to you. Every day from here on out I will remind you of just who I am. Favored, supported, fearless, vocal, and ready to own you!
Sincerely praying for your downfall,
Ron G. Penny Jr.